“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”
Attributed to Charles Horton Cooley, American sociologist and originator of the “looking-glass self” concept.
Several years ago, while sitting in a 1st Step staffing meeting and discussing one of our participants, it suddenly dawned on me that the young man we were discussing believed he was doing well. He saw himself as responsible, honest, and ready for more autonomy. The staff saw something different. They saw the missed responsibilities, the excuses, and the ways he responded when he was corrected.
It was almost as if we were discussing two different people. The young man thought that the world saw him as he thought he was.
Cooley called this the “looking-glass self” effect. His point was that we often build our identity from what we imagine other people think about us. The problem is that our imagination is not always accurate.
Many of the young men who come to 1st Step have spent years protecting themselves. They have learned to explain away their mistakes, hide their weaknesses, and resist anyone who challenges the way they see themselves. Sometimes this looks like dishonesty. But I began to realize that a participant may sincerely believe the story he tells about himself.
He may say, “I am responsible,” because he went to work that day, while forgetting the three appointments he missed that week. He may say, “I respect people,” without noticing how he reacts when someone tells him no. He may believe he is ready for greater freedom while the people around him see that he still needs structure and support. For many years, his mirrored image of himself has allowed him to survive in a hostile environment.
That staffing meeting led us to develop what we now call the congruency assessment.
We ask the participant to evaluate himself in several areas. Staff members evaluate him in those same areas. We then compare the two. The purpose is not to catch him giving a wrong answer or to prove that the staff is right. It is to start a conversation.
Why do you see yourself this way? Why might others see you differently? What does your behavior communicate that your words do not? It is a forced self-reflection.
The gap between those two views can tell us a great deal. As a participant grows, we hope to see that gap become smaller. He begins to recognize his strengths without exaggerating them and face his weaknesses without hiding from them.
That was also our first step toward understanding how moral values become internalized.
Almost everyone knows that honesty, responsibility, and respect are important. Knowing those words, however, is not the same as living by them. At first, a young man may follow the rules because the judge ordered him into the program, because staff members are watching, or because he wants a privilege. He complies as long as there is an external construct that can inflict constraint. But somewhere along the way, something deeper can happen. He begins to tell the truth because he wants to be an honest man. He accepts responsibility because that is the kind of man he has decided to become.
The rules are no longer only on the outside. The values have begun to take root on the inside. The congruency assessment grew out of a simple moment during a staffing meeting. But it helped us understand something important: before a young man can become the person he hopes to be, he must first learn to see the person he is.
